Why Can't I Get Through to Them?

Oct 23

3 min read

Daily Devotional — Friday, October 23, 2026

Icy-blue image of open hands receiving soft light, representing the Heart Change principle that value cannot be achieved but must be received from God and through healthy connection.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” — James 1:19, NKJV

Heart Change Insight

Sometimes we have something important to say to someone we care about. We explain it carefully, but they don't seem to understand. So we explain it again, give another example, and make the point a little stronger. Before long, we're working very hard to get through to them, and they seem to be getting farther away.

At that point, it is worth asking a Heart Change question:

Am I trying to connect with this person, or am I trying to get the response I want?

Those are not the same thing.

Why Can't I Get Through to Them?

Jesus didn't approach every person the same way.

Nicodemus came to Him with questions and knowledge. Jesus met him there. The Samaritan woman came from a very different place, and Jesus began with something ordinary: water. The conversation started at a point where connection was possible.

The core of relationship is finding a connecting point. Sometimes that begins with listening long enough to understand what matters to the other person. Sometimes it means asking a question instead of making another statement. Sometimes it means slowing down enough to notice that the message we are delivering is not the message they are receiving.

We can care deeply and still become so focused on our own point that the other person starts feeling like a problem to solve. Then even truth can begin carrying the wrong spiritual message. The words may be accurate, but the spirit underneath them can communicate, I need you to agree with me. I need you to change. I need you to respond the way I think you should.

That is different from communicating value.

Connection Is Not Control

A genuine connecting point does not guarantee agreement.

We can listen well, care deeply, speak truth with love, and the other person may still disagree. They may not be ready. They may need time. They may have a boundary we need to respect. In some situations, distance may be necessary because the relationship is unsafe.

Connection is not a technique for getting around another person's free will. It's a way of honoring the person in front of us.

That's why listening long enough to discover where genuine connection is possible matters. If we enter the conversation already committed to our own desired outcome, we may never actually hear the person we are trying to help.

The same principle shows up when defenses are already high. The harder we press against someone's wall, the more they may reinforce it. Intensity can make us feel as though we are being clear and faithful while the other person experiences us as unsafe or controlling.

When we find ourselves wondering, Why can't I get through to them?, a better next question may be: What do they care about? What are they actually saying? What is the safest honest place to begin? What can I communicate that lets this person know they have value even if we don't agree?

That doesn't mean avoiding truth. It means letting truth travel through relationship instead of using relationship to force truth through.

We can receive from God, slow down, and let Him help us see the person rather than only the issue. That is how relationship becomes life-giving.

Reflection

Think about a conversation where you feel as though you cannot get through to someone. Are you listening for a connecting point, or mostly preparing another way to make your point? What might communicate genuine value even if the two of you still disagree?

Prayer

Father, help me recognize when my desire to be understood has become pressure on another person. Teach me to listen, to see the person in front of me, and to value them even when we disagree. Give me wisdom about when to speak, when to ask a question, when to wait, and when a healthy boundary is needed. Help the truth I speak carry Your life rather than my need to control the outcome. In Jesus’ name, amen.