The atmosphere was tense. One person jumped up and said, “I’m out of here.” A second person mumbling something followed the first. Others in the group were shifting back and forth uneasily in their chairs.
The fuse had been lit when one person accused another of being a bully, in not so kind language. The “bully” responded by attacking the absolute disrespect and unwillingness of the other person to follow any of the rules of the program. As the person in charge, I needed to make a decision about whether to let this conflict run its course here and now or shut it down.
Too much of the time, people have not experienced healthy de-escalation of anger. They have never seen the energy of anger harnessed in a way that it achieves something positive. In this particular instance, I knew that the two individuals “needed” each other. I knew that if they could more deeply see and appreciate one another, especially if they could see from God’s point of view, it could bring heart change. I also understood that without a conflict such as the one they were experiencing, they would not be able to see clearly.
If the group could witness these two successfully navigate a healthy resolution to the conflict, it would be a great example and experience for them. I also knew that we may or may not be able to get the two to a good place in the time frame we had for that class. The risk was high. The potential reward was high. Since both individuals trusted and respected me, I decided it was worth the risk of letting the conflict play out in the group setting.
As is typical with anger, things had to escalate a bit more before there could be resolution. Fortunately, both individuals were willing to allow me to pull them back inside of healthy boundaries when things would start to escalate. Step by step, I worked toward getting each of them to better see what God was doing in them. Step by step, I worked to get them to see how the other individual was triggering a “file drawer.” Anytime there is escalated anger, it is never just the person or the event in front of the person that is the total cause. Step by step, I worked to get them to see how this conflict could potentially work to make each of them stronger.
Should Christians fight? The outcome wasn’t a total “home run.” When two people “kiss and makeup," generally it is a bit artificial and a forced outcome. We managed to negotiate a healthy start toward being able to interact, at least in a more civil way. There was some acknowledgement that God might be at work in the situation and in each of them through the situation. Plus, those in the group got the chance to watch an approach to a situation that did not give in to anger. Hopefully, those present picked up some tools that will help them better respond the next time they faced a situation with elevated emotions.
Should Christians fight?
Check out our discussion from Heart Change U Live:
Resources for Biblical Conflict Resolution:
A Biblical Approach to Conflict provides practical guidance for all Christians, including pastors, churches, and church leaders as they navigate, rather than avoid, conflict within their congregations. It will challenge and encourage you to view conflict as a tool of divine friction that can bring glory to God.
This book is a fantastic curriculum for small groups, especially for those called to positions of servant leadership within a congregation. Click here to learn more about bringing this edifying work to your church or community small group.
What's Next?
Heart Change U offers has a whole toolkit to encourage and support you in the walk toward Heart Change. Check it out:
HeartChangeU tools for Small Groups & Church Leaders
Heart Change U is an online training platform for Christian counselors, church elders, pastors, and those who seek to help influence others in healing and growing in His image. Developed through more than 15 years of helping addicts and alcoholics heal at a spiritual level from the wounds that cause their addictions, these proven tools and approaches are intended to equip you to walk with others through the Heart Change process in order to become the men and women of God He is calling them to be.
The Omega Project: Faith Based Residential Recovery Program
The Omega Project Christian addiction recovery program offers a community of discipleship homes where assistance is always available to help fight through the challenges of dysfunction so that men and women may find and be restored to their created purpose.
If you or someone you love is caught in the stronghold of addiction, there is hope in Christ! Reach out to The Omega Project.
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